On Sunday, I'll turn 25 years old. I'm not loving this end to an era of youthful abandon and minimal cellulite. I'm no longer going to be the hot young babe in the bar. I'll have to defer to younger women on matters of what "the kids" are up to. I may practice telling people to stay off my lawn, as I've already started the cat collection and have always enjoyed the possibility of wearing slippers in public.
So as I wave goodbye to the last possible moments in which it will be appropriate for me to dance topless on the bar at Coyote Ugly, I'm reflecting on something I suspect I will dearly miss: bad pick-up attempts. I don't know if I'm less attractive these days or if I just finally look like I can string a sassy sentence together, but men don't seem to give me the same kind of grief they used to. And so as a public service I've looked back on my life in hopes of providing a workable list of ineffective pick-up methods frequently used by clueless men on (sniffle) young ladies. Gentlemen, take notes.
10. The Mystery Shot
What the guy is thinking: "Oh man, I saw in this movie once where this guy totally sent a drink over to this hot piece in a bar, and she was all up on it. I'll order some crazy shot and bring it over to that sexy brunette!"
What the girl is thinking: "ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE ROOFIE GHB GHB GHB PLAN B PLAN B PLAN B PLAN B."
9. The "For A Girl" Qualified Compliment
What the guy is thinking: "Girl is hot, but also funny/smart/successful/athletic. Does not compute. Must tell her how surprised I am at this combination of hotness and _____."
What the girl is thinking: "Yes, I am hot and funny/smart/successful/athletic. Thank you for helping me narrow down the pool to men who do not find this shocking."
8. The Surprise From-Behind Dance Floor Ass-Grind
Guy: "ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS BONER BONER BONER BONER. Why wouldn't this girl wanna dance with me? I have the moves. The moves, man! I know because three shots of Jager told me so!"
Girl: "I loooooove this song. This club is--what was that? It sure is crowded--there it is again. It feels like ... a ... penis!? Is there a penis on my left butt cheek!? There is a penis on my left butt cheek! WTF?"
7. The Spokesman
Guy: "Man, I'd like to talk to that girl. But I don't really want to talk to that girl, in case I get rejected. I'll send over my marginally less attractive friend to start the convo."
Girl: "This guy's not really as hot as his friend, but he doesn't appear to be afraid to talk to me. That's kind of hot in itself. I sure hope his friend doesn't come over here."
6. Stereo As Penis Metaphor
Guy: "Oh man, my penis is big, and oh man, that girl is hot. Too bad she's all the way over there on the sidewalk/in that other car. I better turn my stereo up so she knows how big my penis is."
Girl: "I bet that guy's got a tiny penis."
5. The Ironic Pick-Up Line
Guy: "Man, I'd like to talk to that girl. Also, I'm hilarious. I'll show her just how hilarious I am by using a cheesy pick up line. But get this: I'll be ironic about it!"
Girl: "Bartender? I'll take a shot of Goldschlager and a pint of shut this guy the hell up."
4. Unsolicited Physical Contact
Guy: "I don't need an excuse to touch this girl on the shoulder/ass/lower back/thigh."
Girl: "You need a medical degree and an appointment to touch this girl on the shoulder/ass/lower back/thigh."
3. Vague Social Networking Messages
Guy: "Dear Hot Girl, I enjoyed your profile/hot body/musical preferences, hit me back if you also like my profile/hot body/musical preferences, PEACE."
Girl: "Delete."
2. A/S/L?
Guy: "Ugh, it's so hard to type with two hands."
Girl: "How hard is it to type with two hands?"
1. Cat-calling
Guy: "Hot piece of ass! HEY HOT PIECE OF ASS! I have vocal chords! And eyes! What more could you possibly want?"
Girl: "Manners. Ability to complete a sentence. Respect. I'll fax over a list."
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