A man can watch a lot of videos in two years, which is how long I've been writing this column. And for the most part, every single video is nothing but a waste of time. (Except that Bas Rutten self-defense tutorial, which has saved my life on more than one occasion.)
Outside of that, one can assert with a fair amount of confidence that the thousands of videos of soccer balls to the crotch, inadvertently insane adverts, turtles humping sauce pans, and humans digging deep into their souls to tap the wellspring of absurdity that lives inside all of us — those were just distraction. And I've loved every second of them.
But like a free trial month of HBO or Matt LeBlanc's acting career, all good things must come to an end. Which leaves me with a cache of videos that tickled my fancy but didn't quite fit into a neat little package of five (my editors' heretofore standard recommended weekly dose) like those grand Olympic moments or misleading old-timey propaganda.
Because I don't want the world to miss out on a racist Jesus-loving puppet sing-along on my account, here they are: the twenty-three best leftovers from my two years of chumming the blogopshere. Dig in, feel free to forward, and try not to cry laughing.
The Best [Insert Pun Using 'Holy Rollers']
Actually, it's a scene from the upcoming film God Chopper – the courageous story of one man's quest to literally ride his motorcycle into Jesus' heart.
The Coolest Thing About Japanese People
Did you know they did this? I'm liable to call it the coolest discovery since up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.
The Most Creative Use of Fucking Scary Ass Puppets
Apparently in the early '90s there was an epidemic of children putting deadly things in their mouths — and the monsters were the only ones who could stop it.
The Least Popular Kid in Glasgow P.S. 19
It's always a tricky gray area when making fun of kids. Except this time.
The Most Successful Recycling of a TV Show Clip
It's like Walker, Texas Ranger was put on Earth so that Conan O'Brien could reveal to us its true purpose.
The Most Niche Kung-Fu Movie Ever
Skinemax meets Enter the Dragon meets Twilight. (And yes, that is a perfectly normal way to stand up in a bikini.)
The Least Influential Music Video Ever
Immediately upon viewing the rough footage, Jan Terry realized she had made a horrible mistake hiring the Diff'rent Strokes crew to direct her music video.
The Most Environmentally Responsible Chase Scene
Plus when a horse rides full speed right into a cart of vegetables, it doesn't explode.
The Least Efficient Way to Demolish a Car
Your car will think twice the next time it starts shooting its mouth off at the Street Fighter II convention.
The Worst Example of "It's the Thought That Counts"
Much like Iron Eagle, this '80s video just doesn't hold up.
The Worst Product to Sell Using a Snappy Dance Number
I'm not saying that advertising in India is one note, but it sure seems like they'll sell anything with dancing.
The Really Worst Product to Sell Using a Snappy Dance Number
Seriously, anything.
The Most Sexually Confusing Instructional Video Ever
Is it a bottle of wine? It is a cock? And does Steven Seagal care either way?
The Finest Moment in Minivan History
If you've ever wondered why there aren't many tributes to minivans out there, it's because this one scared all the others away.
The Least Convincing Argument for Enlisting
Fun fact: Hot chicks roam around the Ukraine in packs carrying ceramic jugs to water military personnel. Hydration is important.
The Best Reason to Own a Cat
You win, cats. I'll post one of your videos.
The Most Profound Link Between Jesus and Breakfast Pastry
The moments at 1:31, 1:35, 2:14, 2:40... It's simply impossible to choose.
The World's Most Complete Comedy Sketch
All that's left now is for Robin Williams to fuck up the remake.
The Most Accurate Indicator of the Direction Sinbad's Career Would Take
The commercial is better birth control than the actual condom.
The Most Unpopular Sweepstakes Ever
When they say "Enter to win," they mean it.
The Most Scarring Way to Teach Your Child About the Sanctity of Life
It's like crashing the family car to prove that nothing good comes of drunk driving.
The Least Convincing Case for Pears
Remember Susan Powter's infomercials in the '90s with her famous catch phrase "Stop the insanity!" How ironic.
The Most Appropriate Sign Off Video Ever
And goodbye to you, too, waving goat monster.
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