Toys are carefully planned investments that companies spend countless hours developing in the hopes that children will use them to foster memories that they'll cherish for a lifetime.
But sometimes, they just end up looking like dongs.
Wait, seriously? That's a real toy? It was so disturbing, we assumed it was Photoshop, but here's a video.
The video is also disturbing.
Man, this is not a good start. We came in assuming most of this stuff was just the result of innocent oversight, but this? Why does the projectile have to be coming from his crotch? His chest is free. His abs have a skull-mouth emblazoned across them. Why not there? If the rocket came shooting out of the teeth of a grinning skull on the Punisher's stomach, that would be terrifying; as it is now it just looks like he's happy to see you...to death.
To be fair, this was part of a "Shape Shifter" line of toys--basically a Punisher transformer--and we're catching him in mid-transformation (we're assuming Frank Castle's transforming capabilities aren't canon). And of course once he's fully transformed the toy looks perfectly innoc-
OK, that's just...that's just horrible.
So, for the second time we have to ask if the people designing products for children are just amazingly naive, or if they're a bunch of giggling stoners seeing what they can get past the marketing team. The Fr-ooze Pop is shaped like a dildo. Fine, you can say that about a lot of food. But if you lick the Fr-ooze Pop enough, a gooey substance squirts into your mouth.
The Fr-ooze Pop was marketed to kids in Singapore using a voice that repeatedly says, "lick it, suck it." Maybe they're just not as cynical as we are over there? And, uh, maybe over there penises work differently?
If so, then what's our excuse for...
Ah, that doesn't look too bad. Some kind of squirt gun, right? Well, here's a picture of what it looks like to be shot by The Oozinator...
A picture is worth a thousand words, and that's good because actually typing a description of what appears to be happening to the child in the above picture on an Internet site is most likely a felony in all 50 states. We will say this though: That's not water. It's "ooze."
Trust us, it's much worse in motion:
Of course it's pump action. And while we're on the subject of squirt guns, we guess we have to mention the...
We really don't see anything sexual about this. So what if you pull a plug out of Batman's rectum to fill it with water and then give him a reach around which makes him shoot water out of his mouth? Who didn't do that on the playground at least once?
Either way, we'd love to see what Robin looks like.
You can't blame the toy designers for this one. But somewhere, a disgruntled former jingle writer is still laughing about the time he was having a shitty day at work and just to be an ass he wrote this jingle:
I'm Mr. Bucket, toss your balls in my top
I'm Mr. Bucket, out of my mouth they will pop
I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run
I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!
I'm Mr. Bucket, balls pop out of my mouth
I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about
I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run
I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!
"No way this could be misinterpreted."
...and his boss didn't even notice until it was much, much too late.
Of course, that was from a simpler time. The same cannot be said for...
Who on Earth can hear the jingle, "You can smack it, you can whack it! Balzac!" and not hear "ball sack" there. Seriously, take this ad to any English speaking people on the planet and they'll assume they're hearing a 90s-era Saturday Night Live parody:
"You can punch it! You can crunch it! Bet you can't bust ball sack!"
Skipper was supposed to be Barbie's little sister, but in 1975, Mattel decided it was time for Skipper to hit puberty. After countless minutes of research, Mattel settled on the most factually accurate portrayal of puberty possible. That, of course, means when you rotated Skipper's left arm, she'd grow an inch taller and spurt out some tits. Just like a real girl!
Obviously, the doll sparked a ton of controversy, so much so that Mattel never tried something so stupid ever again. Ha! Just kidding! They've recently started producing a similar doll, except now, she's a skank! That should help.
Hey mom, tired of always having to worry about your kids finding that vibrator you have stashed in your dresser? Well worry no more! It's the Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Vibrating Broomstick!
This reached Internet meme territory back in 2002, when many, many wise guys posted positive reviews on the Amazon product page:
"When my 12-year-old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to LOVE it. Her friends love it too! They play for hours in her bedroom with this great toy... My oldest daughter (17) really likes it too!"
Mattel quickly pulled the toy from the market, many months after signing off on a phallus shaped children's toy that vibrates while wedged into a child's crotch.
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