20 Costumes That Will Earn You a Halloween Beating

What follows are 20 samples from the other end of the costume spectrum--good for inspiring a healthy mixture of douche-chills and rage. If you're wearing one of these, consider yourself warned: those guys aren't getting up from the bar to come over and shake your hand. [via]

#20.

Spongebob Adult Man's Costume

Aside from the "Would you like to buy some Bibles?" look on the model's face, it's the white leotards that seal the wearer's fate. Or possibly the little red dick-tie.

#19.

ATM Man

If you want to look like a Muslim Darth Vader, this costume is for you. Despite the claims in the picture, don't be surprised if women dressed like money do not approach you to withdraw cash from your wiener.

#18.

Breathalyzer

The early model Terminators were easily identifiable, since Skynet's files on what penises really look like were badly damaged in the initial attack.

#17.

Cain The Vampire Tyrant

Oh shit! It's Cain! Cain the Vampire Tyrant! And he's been playing the Nintendo with his power Glove!

#16.

Lock and Key

This dude finally gets a modeling gig that has nothing to do with his biceps or his dreadlocks, so he improvises. The woman is sad because she knows the inevitable attempt to "unlock" here will cause her entrails to go flying out of her lower back, a gruesome and undignified death via impalement on a wacky costume.

#15.

Fork and Spoon

This lacks the sexual connotations of the lock and key outfit above, but we can't figure out if that makes the costume more sad or less. At least aliens won't be able to read their thoughts.

#14.

Hung

Oh, we get it. "Hung" as in hung like a horse. Like, you have a big penis. And you convey this by... attaching a stuffed horse's head to your groin? With a hangman's noose? This costume's designer has many a dead hooker in his basement.

#13.

Napoleon Dynamite

We can think of two people off the top of our heads who haven't seen this movie: the guy who designed this costume and the guy wearing it.

#12.

I've Got a Heart On

We know. We can see it. And the children can see it. Warning: This costume is illegal in 48 states.

#11.

Wiseman

Just because he is wearing a hat and carrying frankincense does not mean this is not a Geisha Girl costume.

#10.

Super Jew

Whether the kid is Jewish or not, we're pretty sure this costume qualifies as some kind of hate crime.

#9.

Baby and Mommy

If you think it looks bad now, every time he walks, it looks like an 8 year old in diapers humping a babushka wearing basketball shoes.

#8.

The Munchkin

Okay, that's fucking terrifying. Is that a wig or not? Forget it, we don't want to look at it any more. We're going to wake up some night and see this bastard staring down at us, orange cheeks and all.

#7.

God's Gift to Women

"From: God, To: Women?" Well, they are going to be disappointed when they open it up and see that it's just the rest of this guy.

#6.

Bacon and Eggs

The good news for him is that next year when they get divorced, he can just buy a sombrero and he's got a Mexican stereotype costume. She's stuck going as an amoeba.

#5.

Taz

If you take off the Taz mask, you've got a pretty terrifying childbirth costume here. Complete with dentata!

#4.

One Night Stand

Yes, he's dressed as a one-night stand. GET IT? These "abstract idea costumes" actually wind up being some of the most disturbing. Such as...

#3.

The Shit Hit the Fan

If you don't have this jackass to explain the joke, this looks more like maggots crawling out of a drain. Which actually makes one of the most awesome and disturbing Halloween costumes we've ever seen. Congratulations on the accidental horror, guys.

#2.

Goth Milk

There is no place on earth where this costume won't get you a vicious beating. You wouldn't even make it out of Quaker country in this thing. Goths, puns, suggested genital piercings on a child... it's like they distilled everything a good man finds offensive and expressed it in shitty costume form.

#1.

Slave Leia

My goodness what a lame costume. Take it off.

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